Thomas Wolfe and Charles Bukowski

Preparing to travel back to Michigan conjures various emotions. Our families are still there, for the most part. There are several nieces and cousins that have moved out of state, but our siblings are all there. So too are our family homes and memories. I am always reminded of Wolfe's passage about never being able to go home again. Somehow, once we leave, home is never again the same. We have missed out on changes, if they be for the good or bad, and we are always stuck in yesterday--never quite able to reconcile our memory with present day reality.
Yet, like Bukowski, we never seem to be able to leave it completely behind. We torment ourselves with the past. It seems we are forever regretting what we did or did not choose; remorseful for the same reasons and clinging to the past we knew while denying the present.
We constantly run after an all elusive meaning, something that will provide a rational explanation of why we have taken the road we have. We find comfort in telling ourselves we wouldn't have done it any differently--but what if we had?
Would we then be regretting not doing this the first time? Would we have missed out experiencing what we are, who we are and where we are at this moment? What if we spent the next 10 years trying to answer such questions? Where would we be then? Perhaps in the same situation we are today? It has taken me many years to reach an understanding with the past. May be it was a silly bumper sticker (a truly great source of wisdom) or may be a combination of sources that lead to this agreement with Yesterday.
I have agreed to allow the past to hold the memories, but will not allow it to control the emotions. At the same time I will do my best to prevent the future from plagiarizing the past while demanding original material.
But like Bukowski, not everyone is successful at appreciating the past while respecting the future. This usually results in a conversation with family that attempts to draw out a confession about yesterday and an apology for today.
So I guess I am apprehensive about some aspects of family reunions, because each side of the coin wants the other side to be like them--to come back from the Dark Side...